I'm a Total Loser Because...



November 27, 2014

I made a mistake on the date - I'm so messed up mentally I just assume everything is fucked up all the time - that makes me really fucked up too... but at least if things don't work out tomorrow - I am dealing with alredy... should decrease the impact somewhat... hopefully

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November 27, 2014

There's another teaching today - I wasn't notified of it- I don't have access  to it- I don't understand why...

I've been suicidal for three days now - since my access to a teaching was cut off  on Monday...So, I am dealing with this the same way I've been doing since I was 13...

For whatever reason this is happening -   the 'inside feeling' says it's going to be OK - and I don't know what that means ... the only thing I know - is that I don't know ...

I am increasingly apathetic about everything... so what...

 

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November 27, 2014
  1. LustyLife said: just in case you were a lazy ass, you don't have to scroll down to find my post, i have just posted it again for YOU. So it's right above this one.x

Didn't do that - don't know if I will

  1. LustyLife said: Forgot to say...You've got a job and a child and you consider yourself a loser??? God please...kill me :D Fight against the dark cloud! HAVE A NICE DAYx

My kids are adults - and I am fuckin old or whatever - so what - I am in Asia - mostly to avoid be homeless in the US and because living at the airport sucks... - Tomorrow I will send my month's wages to one of my kids...But, I am actually happy to do this... if I weren't in Asia it would be impossible to do that --- so I'm extremely appreciative  I can do this...

 

As far as the job thing goes, I am a fuckin workaholic - I even have had jobs when I was homeless - I don't think that necessarily makes life any better especially - when I've spent the last few days at work coping with suicidal thoughts every few minutes. I really don't do a very good job when I wanna kill myself all day long...  I know that... sigh...

 

  1. LustyLife said: the problem is, human being is so fucking awesome that every single thing he believe may come true.... Attitude is everything. What you think builds you from the inside...so stop doing that for you...and for your child.x

Actually, the only reason I don't off myself is because of my children - that doesn't mean the inclination goes away - but, I haven't found being human is awesome as best I can tell - this is some kind of Hell world and everyone here is fucked up to one degree or another - I know I sure am...

  1. LustyLife said: Stand right in front of the mirror, look at your eyes relally close and tell yourself the contrary you say everyday. "I fuckin worth it" "I fuckin deserve the best" "I want to be a role model to my child" "I really, really love you" "I can make it"!!!!!!!x

I have no interest in lying to myself. You don't understand just how pervasive the getting fucked over/fucked around thing is - the fact that it even is manifested in the Buddhist sphere is so completely  demoralizing - I have a hard time wrapping my head around it... I mean I get - Buddhists are just people too... Whatever,my primary impression is that this is just a fucked up place and people are fucked up and treat each other shitty for the most part - who knows why?  My current solution is to try and avoid any contact with anyone as much as possible.

  1. LustyLife said: when we have just woken up is the right time to start positive thinking routine, because our mind is starting a new "chapter" so even if the fuckin dark cloud is still above us, we can fight easily against negativity anyway.x

That woulld be fine if I were generating the kind of situations I have been dealing with - but let's see, uhmm, this is emblamatic of my life.. it is a repititive theme that has reoccurred in every job, relationship situation I have been involved in. And it is excessive...I have had co-workers who take important documents when they are needed for me to do my job, delete necessary files, change the work-schedule times, (a manager) to make it look I was late (I didn't catch this one because I am habitually early, but then someone else noticed and told me about it), then there was the co-worker who tried to set me up by having someone call in and complain about me personally (by description) when I wasn't actually on the schedule at that time the complainee specified (their mistake)--I guess because they saw me working they thought I was on the schedule... look, this is a very long list, it goes on for a very long time - and it is quite consistent... Please understand,  I tend to understate things - however, one thing is obvious, I have had  an unbelievable level of difficulty - and 98% is a result of being involved/around/associated/working with people that are more fucked up than me - who somehow are warped enough to believe that hurting other people is somehow ok or that they are justfified in doing so - look IDK... really, I don't get - Bu.t because it keeps happening - not just with work situation- but now with Buddhism too - I am like - seriously where is the fuckin exit outta this place?  This shit is chronic... like getting kicked off a Buddhist Bulleton Board because I was trying to find out if their were any dangers inherent in mediation that I should know about... That was 3 years ago - I should have taken the hint and quit right then, but I'm a total try-hard... so, you know, I kept trying...

  1. LustyLife said: Negative thoughts are like a fucking cloud, once you're in a negative thinking routine, the dark cloud will stay with you as long as you keep being like that... I've suffered excatly the same, even sometimes i still do but not that often.x

Whatever - the actions which people inflict on others are negative - which often provoke negative responses as a result - why is that a surprise? I don't generate a lot of negativity because I find it toxic to deal with. I have a really low capacity to deal with negativity because it is a physically tangible feeling. I can just feel it when it's like in the atmosphere or whatever... So, I don't like to be involved with it.. I avoid it and situations involved with it. Which, unfortunately, now probably includes all things Buddhist as well I guess...

  1. LustyLife said: First of all, stop that fucking negative attitude. I've been thru that in the past, and i can tell you it's possible to overcome it, it's all in your mind. Human being is so awesome that what he thinks could come true. Fight against your thoughts...

No, for me, this solution is not really credible - 'fighting' is  not the  best approach for me... that ultimately results in two things: more energy is put into the mix and the focus of thoughts tend become ensnared by that constant battle -(that has to do with the nueral connecions are made in the brain).

My solution is to totally embrace and accept my feelings and give them full reign and let the turmoil  subside naturally. It's hell to go through at the time - like the last three days have been brutal - but ultimately, I'm able to move past it rather rapidly.  My diffidulties the result from being involved with other people and I am intelligent and self-aware enough to discern this. The most obvious solution is to minimize/limit my contact with other people as much as possible. That's pretty easy to arrange. I keep a professional distance from co-workers and employers. I don't accept any social invitations. I avoid interacting with anyone in personal way... now, I just avoid Buddhist and Buddhist stuff too...

If I were cataliyst for these diffuculties your advice might be suitable. But, trust me, I am a some kind of freak  (I don't mean that in the sense that most people might consider - what I mean is that my life is fuckin' weird --- I can't explain it --- there's something I call the inside feeling' it tells me when things are going to be OK - and then there's the energy thing - some Eastern philosophies seem to have some insight into this stuff - look - I don't know - my life is weird - I expereince things I don't understand and I am excessively targeted by people who act with animousity and ill will towards me - who knows why? 

Trust me - you don't want to me - no one would want to be like this or have this life... I am some kind of freak - and I'm guessing people can feel my freak vibe and that's why it's this way... anyway that's my best guess... but really, who cares?...

I am not looking for someone to 'rescue' me...  I am just externalizing my feelings to eradicate them more rapidly.  Right now, this is the best I can do - standing in front of the mirror saying whatever when other people are doing shitty things (intentionally or not) that  are damaging or harmful to me is not really a viable solution for this particular type of situation.

But thanks for trying... I know your intentions are good and, really, that is the most important thing...

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November 27, 2014

After I read my old post, I decided to hop in the shower and become a big boy and try to work through my problems... didnt work.  Atill dont hav a job, and now Im living with my aunt until I get back on my feet.  Still down like the loser I am.  I have a small victory in knowing that I am not out on the streets yet, but for how long I wonder?  How long till all of this comes crashing down on me and I die the horrible death that should come to me?  Who knows.

 

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  1. pieceofshit pieceofshit said: Look, you don't need to listen to what I say and for sure, i don't have any answers - but the only things that has worked in my fucked up life is to keep trying... just keep trying it isn't fun, it isn't easy - but it's the only that worked so far...


November 26, 2014

I guess the thing to do is reveal my age and sex then tell my story. This story should entertain you because it's not overtly loserly but it does expose some of my and my friends' loserly characteristics.

I'm a 31 year old man.

I fell in love with a girl when I was 13. I never actually fell out of love with Angie, but now I would just call it a long-term crush. She's never been my girlfriend. When I lived with my parents I was strongly discouraged from having a girlfriend, so much so, you might call it disallowed. Because of this culture I was cowardly when talking to girls anyway, but I'm 100% sure she knew I was crushing on her because I was frank about it when my little junior high friends would tease me.

We went to different high schools but I didn't get over her. We even arranged "dates" sometimes, like twice, where we would timidly talk about who-knows-what. I would sometimes call her house, back in the days when people had home phones, and yes, even before Caller ID was a big thing, and get scared and hang up. Her image in my head was that of a goddess. Maybe something to do with teenage hormones or chemicals or whatever but she's permanently imprinted on my brain.

My first year of college I had three guy roommates, so four guys in one apartment. We had all gone to high school together and two of them were former crushes of my crush, so the three of us had this one chick in common. Follow so far?

You tend to bond with college roommates and in a moment of candor while out to lunch with Nhon one day, I expressed to him that I was still hung up on our old friend Angie. I expected teasing and a hard time like any good college roommate would provide and he provided, and I expected him to rile me for a long time and he did, which was fine and completely expected.

After I dropped out of college, one of the many books I read was Love in the Time of Cholera which told the story of a young man who never got the one woman he truly desired until they were old and wrinkly, and I comforted myself thinking I have a lifetime to achieve my woman. Even if she gets married, even if I get married, I'll wait for her, wait 'til her husband dies, then sweep her off her feet.

Between 16 and 21 we didn't communicate: I was probably non-existent to her. I moved a thousand miles away to a new city when I was 21. I felt I needed to get away from everyone I knew, which no longer included my love, so I could do my life my way without being told, "Do this, do that, you're doing it wrong." I had a girlfriend in my new city who I was infatuated with but not in love with. I still am in my city and go "home" once a year for Christmas.

Angie found my email online and messaged me in 2005; good for me! She had actively sought me out and opened a line of communication with me! We started talking on the phone and over several weeks I was open and honest with her. I apologized for sounding creepy and nonchalantly told her she was the one and always would be; I think she's magic and I couldn't be happier that she sought me out. We remained casual friends for two or so years before I decided she must think I'm a loser and I should stop bothering her. Although she's the one, it won't do anybody any good if I just annoy the piss out of her.

Our communication died off in 2007. I do know I have a tendency to be boring and it would be worse than death for me if she thought I was boring, worthless, annoying, etc. and it would be better to let her forget me altogether than for her to remember me as some loser. So a couple more years passed and she emailed me again. She must be between boyfriends and bored, maybe wants to toy with my heart like a cat plays with a dead mouse, who knows. But I got excited again, because this Love in the Time of Cholera theme seems to be playing out, like I'm a backup, and I'm ok with that! Call me anything you want! Just call me!

Our timid relationship lulled again, and for another couple years. Two years ago, to break the silence, I emailed her and made her promise we wouldn't take years between responses, that I valued our friendship and that she's an important person to me. We mostly text back and forth every couple weeks or months now, and that's enough for me, so long as she doesn't hate me or forget me. Remember, this woman is the one and I can wait a lifetime for her.

Now I'll talk about Nhon. He's a dickhead and we've been friends since we were teenagers. When we get together it's classic guy talk--we talk about girlfriends, hot booties, gettin head, doing inhuman horrific things to women, it's really a hoot & a holler. He mostly understands that Angie is a sensitive subject for me, and every once in a while will ask what's up with us but MOSTLY leaves her out of our dehumanizing conversations. As a a courtesy I also MOSTLY don't talk about his girlfriends. Occasionally we get in bitch fights and bring up sore subjects to rile the other motherfucker. Remember, when we were all 13, Angie had a huge crush on him, the same time I had a huge crush on her. He has ALWAYS maintained he was NEVER interested in her. He also sometimes makes a joke about going after her, fully trying to get a rise out of me. I always tell him it's not funny and we should talk about something else.

Less than three months ago, Nhon texted me a picture of Angie's OKCupid profile pic and dickheadedly asked me for my blessing to pursue her. Hell fucking no, I told him. She's mine, there are millions of other girls and the only reason he would go after her is to brag to me that he got her and I didn't. It's not a fucking race and she's not a fucking prize we're competing over. She's mine and that's that. Find someone else, asshole. While I found it perfectly plausible that they could encounter each others' profiles online just by browsing, I still believed that motherfucker was just trying to rile me and he wasn't serious about trying to date her. I got a text from Angie asking, "You didn't give Nhon my number? :P apparently he's been wanting to date me?!?!?" to which I replied, "Huh? No I won't facilitate that. You're supposed to be mine :) even if only in my mind." Nhon kept up his assholery and kept asking me for her number and I got really pissed and told him to fuck off. Finally I gave him the number 1-900-fuck-you and left it at that.

A week later:

"Still mad?"

"Depends on if u tried to have sex with her."

"Nope. Just catching up as friends. The message she sent you was taken out of context."

"You're still an asshole."

A month and a half later he called me again and Angie was not a topic. I spoke to him coldly but cordially and just updated him on current personal events.

Today he called me. It's the day before Thanksgiving and I long ago expressed to him that I'm pissed about his childish behavior regarding my love interest, so I answered the phone with pleasure hoping we could get back to our old ways. He asked about my job and love life and all that and I asked about his love life and he said he actually is dating someone. "Oh? Where did you meet her? Tinder?" "OKCupid." "Is it somebody we've talked about before?" "Yeah." "Are you messing with me?" "No." "How long have you been dating?" "About two months, well, that includes the time we were just catching up on old times." I gave him some test questions that he would only know if he had been talking to her in the last two months, which he answered. "Were you scared as balls to tell me about this?" "Yeah." I let him ramble on about how he's sure it woulda been me if I was living in that city, that it was just a matter of timing, that there's a great woman out there for me somewhere, that I'm a great guy and have so much going for me, blah blah blah, just keep doing what I'm doing and I'll find the perfect woman. Bullshit.

I've idolized her for 18 years. I know she's had boyfriends and she knows I've had girlfriends. She has broken my heart at least a dozen times and I always tell myself she gets unlimited chances. That I will always be available for her. That I'll drop whatever I'm doing if she indicated I'm the one for her. That I'll abandon my house and move back to her city if we can get married and live happily ever after.

They joined forces on this one to break me once and for all. At 31 I'm still lovesick over the same woman, the news made me nauseous, I dropped tears, I looked in the mirror and watched my lips quiver and nose drool. I imagine Nhon pissing lighter fluid on me after I'm shattered, then throwing a lit match and giggling as I catch fire and disintegrate into ashes.

Nhon's done. He knows it. But her. I'm such a loser I'll forgive her in two years.

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  1. loser2 loser2 said: You are awesome. It's like that you are from the fairy tale. Seldom do I know any man that is so loyal to a girl.
  2. LustyLife LustyLife said: forgot to say, you've described yourself and Nhon. But...why don't you describe her? Maybe there's something that doesn't match between you and her...
  3. LustyLife LustyLife said: I've got to say you're a really loyal guy, it's ok to be loyal and that shit, but sometimes those attitudes lead you to non fair people and situations.
  4. LustyLife LustyLife said: WOw, really interesting story!


November 26, 2014

 

I just realized we"re special. We're different. We're the losers. We push up the average; make others feel better   about themselves. We're the ones too scared to act & take risk. We are the poor ones. The bullied ones. The self-destructers. Others can't understand who we are. Seldom winners:- 'the Losers'. Hell, maybe we'll be proud someday. :-)

if ur a loser anyway, why try tho find a way out?

#Born2Lose #Proud


  1. pieceofshit pieceofshit said: Yeah almost - yeah we're losers, but, I don't agree about the taking risks thing - I I take risks - and still end up a reject... it really doesn't matter what I do
  2. bigstupidpooper bigstupidpooper thinks you're a loser



  1. bigstupidpooper bigstupidpooper thinks you're a loser


November 24, 2014

I am 29 years old i have a wife and a child who yes do make my day better everytime i am with them. My issue comes in with lifes issues in general i work my ass off everyday I have a normal day job but i also have several side jobs that i do after work at night. My so called boss more than doubles my paycheck every week and does absolutely shit i swear im not exaggerating. I cant give my family the life i want to no matter how hard i try. I have worked myself to the point it effects my health on a daily basis. I am a simple guy but i would like to not have to worry about going to the grocery or paying my light bill. I just wish that my hard work would go with some sort of reward because i dont know how much longer i can carry on like this or drag my family througb this life while i seem to be going nowhere but down 

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  1. bigstupidpooper bigstupidpooper said: ...for you to catch one. Stay with your wife and child and continue being a hero.
  2. bigstupidpooper bigstupidpooper said: I second LustyLife. Sotired is a HERO. While "i'm sure good things will come to you," is not exactly encouraging, I hope this is: Stay on your toes, always improve, keep an eye out for the next best work opportunity. It may take a year or two for you to c
  3. loser2 loser2 said: Come on, dude. At least you've got a family. I've got nothing but a damn B.A. degree, And it's difficult to find a decent job with it.
  4. LustyLife LustyLife said: Son, let me tell you something...You are not a loser, you're a fucking HERO, period. Wish you the best of luck,Please keep fighting for your family, i'm sure good things will come to you.


November 24, 2014

I am 29 years old i have a wife and a child who yes do make my day better everytime i am with them. My issue comes in with lifes issues in general i work my ass off everyday I have a normal day job but i also have several side jobs that i do after work at night. My so called boss more than doubles my paycheck every week and does absolutely shit i swear im not exaggerating. I cant give my family the life i want to no matter how hard i try. I have worked myself to the point it effects my health on a daily basis. I am a simple guy but i would like to not have to worry about going to the grocery or paying my light bill. I just wish that my hard work would go with some sort of reward because i dont know how much longer i can carry on like this or drag my family througb this life while i seem to be going nowhere but down 

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November 22, 2014

Everyone else (whose not in highschool or younger) has at least SOME shit going for them.

I don't.

But I made this post mainly to say something to the younger people on here:

IF YOU ARE IN HIGH SCHOOL STILL, OR YOUNGER, YOU ARE NOT A LOSER.

THERE IS HOPE.

DO NOT LABEL YOURSELF UNTIL YOU HAVE TRULY SEEN LIFE.

BEING IN HIGH SCHOOL DOES NOT COUNT AS LIFE.

HIGH SCHOOL EXPERIENCES DO NOT COUNT ONCE HIGH SCHOOL IS OVER.

IF YOU ARE IN HIGH SCHOOL AND THINK YOU ARE A LOSER, YOU ARE NOT, BECAUSE YOU STILL HAVE HOPE. YOU ARE STILL GROWING. THERE IS LIFE AFTER HIGH SCHOOL.

This does not seem like great advice coming from a 20 year old loser, but if I could go back to being 14, I would, because THERE IS STILL SO MUCH POTENTIAL FOR YOURSELF WHEN YOU ARE 14.

 



  1. bigstupidpooper bigstupidpooper thinks you're a loser
  2. LustyLife LustyLife said: in the same way you tell those who are younger than you to have hope, I tell you (I'm 25) there's still hope for you. Get the fuck up, move on and chase your dream. I know its hard...i know hoes does it feel to be Bipolar or depressed...But i fight back